The Engineer Tapes

[Shooter]
Alright, so-so Angry Grandpa, you decided that you know, we met, uh, I'm a fan of yours and-

[AGP]
I'm a fan a YOURS!

[Shooter]
(chuckle) I-I- You've worn my shirt a whole lot, I wonder if you've- you've even washed the amount of times I've seen you wearing the shirt-

[Lyricold]
He never bathes or-

[AGP]
SHUT UP, YOU KNOW I BATHE!

[Lyricold]
Chill out, you ain't gotta scream so loud.

[Shooter]
Hey- (chuckles)

[AGP]
Are we gonna do the goddamn song or not?

[Shooter]
Uh, yeah we're recording the song, but here's the thing.
I know you-you picked one of my dad's songs-

[AGP]
You right, one of the best he's- the best songs to me he's ever did.

[Lyricold]
It is a good song.

[Shooter]
The Most Sensible Thing, and you wanna sing-

[AGP]
Why are you kissin' his ass?

[Shooter]
I mean, I don't even know if you can sing.

[AGP]
Wait a minute, why're you kissin' his ass?

[Some guy]
(Laughing)

[Lyricold]
I said it's a good song.

[AGP]
Yeah, but no. You said- Yeah but you kissin' his a- just, talk to me, ok? Forget about that fat f*ck.

[Shooter]
(Laughing)

[Some guy]
Why- why- why- why-

[Bridgette West]
Ok...

[AGP]
WAIT, WAIT! A sec. Who's doin' tha...?

[Some guy]
Why are you reading lyrics?

[Lyricold]
That's what I was wondering-

[Angry Grandpa]
WHOA, WAIT A minute! I gotta read lyrics.

[Shooter]
No, but I mean- when we're recording, you don't want to have the piece of paper there in front of you 'cause it'll make a noise of the paper-

[Angry Grandpa]
WELL GODDAMN, IF I CAN'T HAVE MY LYRICS, THEN I AIN'T GODDAMN GOIN' DO IT! GIMME THAT MOTHERf*ckER!

[Lyricold]
I just wanna sho-

[Angry Grandpa]
I EITHER GONNA HAVE THE PAPER OR I CAN'T DO IT!

[Lyricold]
May I hold it?

[Angry Grandpa]
WHAT?

[Lyricold]
Listen to this. (Paper crinkling) You can hear that in the microphone.

[Angry Grandpa]
Sounds like money.

[Shooter]
(Chuckle)

[Lyricold]
Well, it's paper.

[Angry Grandpa]
Well it's...

[Lyricold]
You can hear that.

[Angry Grandpa]
But it's MY f*ckin' paper!

[Shooter]
Well Grandpa, I haven't even heard you sing yet, so I don't even know if you can sing, but we're-we're trusting you-

[Angry Grandpa]
I CAN SING!

[Shooter]
You sing? You sing- (chuckle)

[Angry Grandpa]
DO, RE, MI, FA, SO, LA, TI, DO!

[Shooter]
(chuckle)

[Lyricold]
You gotta chill, dude.

[Angry Grandpa]
You need to suck my di*k, fat boy.

[Shooter]
(chuckle) Oh man well, here's your thing. Here's-

[Some guy]
Shooter, pro-produce him.

[Shooter]
I'm TRYING. I'm- stay out of it.

[Angry Grandpa]
No, you didn't produce me! My f*ckin' DADDY produced me!

[Some guy]
Yeah... (chuckle)

[Shooter]
I- well- I know, well-

[Angry Grandpa]
You're daddy produced YOU!

[Shooter]
Yes... he did-

[Angry Grandpa]
So they we're both PRODUCERS!

[Shooter]
Ye- well clearly, apparently.

[Lyricold]
One parent did a better job.

[Angry Grandpa]
I wish the f*ck I never produced you.

[Shooter]
Uh- (chuckle)

[Lyricold]
Ok, fine...

[Shooter]
Well- th- I mean i'm not coming here to start a family fight, here's the thing. I just don't know if you've ever been in a situation where you're recorded, I mean, of course I know that the- th-

[Angry Grandpa]
We're not by- been recorded before, it's probably be in some...

[Shooter]
It's on a video camera usually, bu-

[Angry Grandpa]
Yeah!

[Shooter]
Th- this is a real microphone.

[Angry Grandpa]
That's real?

[Shooter]
That's a real microphone-

[Angry Grandpa]
You get it from Walmart?

[Shooter]
It's expensive, so don't-don't you know, you gotta be careful with it and uh, it's a good one-

[Angry Grandpa]
IS IT ON?!

[Shooter]
Yes, it's on. It doesn't matter. (chuckle)

[Lyricold]
Dad-

[Angry Grandpa]
YOU'RE THE ONLY SENSIBLE THING! Whoa!

[Lyricold]
Not yet! Not yet.

[Shooter]
It's doesn't- yeah, but if it-it doesn't work so good if you're so close to it, it's better if you're a little farther away from it.

[Angry Grandpa]
YOU'RE THE MOST SENSIBLE THING, I'VE EVER DONE!

[Shooter]
[Chuckle]

[Lyricold]
Dad, it's not-it's not even how it sounds.

[Shooter]
Yeah, well I mean I hope that's how he's gonna sing it if it's if-if-.

[Angry Grandpa]
But i'm way back here now!

[Shooter]
Yea-well no, g-get a little closer, let's-

[Angry Grandpa]
Oh, Jesus Christ... y-you make up your mind? Would you make up your mind? What'd you want me to do? Up closer, back farther, what do you want?!

[Shooter]
I've worked with alot of really good people and they know how to-

[Angry Grandpa]
Oh, bullsh*t.

[Lyricold]
Dad, you want to record this or not? Shooter's gonna leave!

[Angry Grandpa]
Shooter ain't leaving- you stubbed my goddamn toe again, you you-don't regret it I tell you that right now! (laughs)

[Shooter]
(chuckle) I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-

[Angry Grandpa]
Damn Shooter, you're heavy for a little man, goddamn! That's my f*ckin' toe! f*ck!

[Lyricold]
I've stepped on his foot before and got hot coffee, scolded into my face.

[Angry Grandpa]
You stubbed my foot, it was in a cast! Shut up!

[Shooter]
(chuckle)

[Lyricold]
Yeah, it was quo-

[Shooter]
I'm so sorry, I did not mean to step on your foot.

[Angry Grandpa]
Yeah you did, you were trying to punish me.

[Shooter]
I was not, I was not, I was just saying, you know? Stay that far-

[Angry Grandpa]
Is it true that all country music it- they either crying, dying or leaving?

[Shooter]
Uh- (chuckle) I gue-

[Angry Grandpa]
(chuckle) Ok.

[Shooter]
Crying, dying or leaving, I guess.

[Angry Grandpa]
Every song.

[Shooter]
I guess you were introducing-

[Lyricold]
-fear, or going on a dirt road.

[Shooter]
Or-or-or doing me-

[Angry Grandpa]
Or hiring a lina to decorate a hole.

[Shooter]
(chuckle) Hey, do you know how to sing?

[Angry Grandpa]
Yeah, I know how to sing!

[Shooter]
Then let's try and sing this thing, don-

[Lyricold]
Alright...!

[Angry Grandpa]
I'M CAUGHT IN A TRAP, I CAN'T WALK OUT, BECAUSE I LOVE YOU TOO MUCH, BABY!

[Shooter]
That's the wrong song.

[Lyricold]
Why can't you see!

[Angry Grandpa]
Oh, what the f*ck's wrong with that song? WHY CAN'T YOU SEE, WHAT YOU'RE DOIN' TO MY PENI- ME-ME-ME! That was hard, that was hard. (chuckle) ARE WE GONNA DO THE GODDAMN SONG OR NOT?!

[Lyricold]
You're-screwing it up! Sing!

[Shooter]
Yeah, s-sing!

[Angry Grandpa]
(clears throat/coughs)

[Lyricold]
This is why you quit smoking...

[Angry Grandpa]
I'v-

[Lyricold]
It's taking too long dad- (skip) -not talented enough to pull this off.

[Angry Grandpa]
I've taken chances on everything in my life, even against all the odds, I roll the dice.

[Lyricold]
Let's have you try it without-

[Angry Grandpa]
Oh, motherf*cker, I quit, i'm through, i'm done. I'm DONE! I'm not doing it now, you took my paper, I can't even- f*ck YOU AND f*ck YOU AND f*ck YOU AND f*ck YOU and... f*ck you.

[Shooter]
(chuckle)

[Lyricold]
You told me f*ck twice.

[Angry Grandpa]
Well you deserved two f*cks.